Tuesday, July 29, 2014

An Afternoon in July

A couple weeks ago I had the afternoon free so I headed to a small neighborhood shopping area called Moorpark & Tujunga.  It has several restaurants and many lovely shops and boutiques.  I didn't have very much extra money to spend, but I needed some inspiration and I needed some alone time, I needed to breath and be inspired.  I was outside, I wasn't rushing and while I was browsing, I realized that in finding inspiration and beauty I was overwhelmed with hope and possibilities.  And not just with material things - but hope and possibilities for my life.





Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he’s the one who will keep you on track.
 Proverbs 3:5-6 from The Message Bible

Friday, July 18, 2014

Contradiction and a Prayer

And just like that – its July 18th!  I feel like (in some ways) I just wrote about May and thinking back to May, well need I say that, May feels like many months ago!  I need to write and document June and if I blink too hard, it will be time to write about July, however July has been uneventful for the most part, albeit full!
The kids got out of school (on June 6th) and we hit summer running!  They spent a week at their Dad's, we finalized our plans to go to Iowa for SOP summer camp at Shiloh – that was a huge thing that happened for all 3 of us as I wasn't sure we could make it happen – God is so good and faithful and He knows, oh He so knows!!

Settling into summer, I am feeling good and happy and at peace.  I am also feeling more and more healing of my heart and soul happening.  Funny thing about healing, not matter if its a physical or mental or spiritual healing, it’s a process and doesn't happen quickly. And sometimes, in some cases, after a healing, things are not exactly the same as they were before. And that is OK!  I am ready for new, different and freedom from the old!  I have been keeping busy with some events at church and helping a friend with her wedding, it's so good to be busy and productive and helpful.  I have been reading and relaxing too.  Thinking and pondering the future a bit.  I am not contemplating any changes, but just wondering what He has in store for me.
I have moments where I feel so very alone and ordinary and that is such an overwhelming feeling!  I have times when I feel some very deep things about myself and life and what God is showing me and I realize I need a person to share them with – a person not my sister or a friend – and that takes my breath away.  Dare I say I am ready for a special person in my life?  I don’t really know – I just know that I want to be open and led for what He wants for my life.  And sometimes all I can tell myself is "just be willing to be willing."
I can be a bit of a contradiction of what I want sometimes: as much as a love people and spending time with them, I often times just want to be alone, run and hide; as much as I love living in a big city and all the perks it has, my soul longs for a small town to settle into, to be known and have room to breathe and find a deeper peace;  I want to plan things and be prepared and at the same time I want to be spontaneous and willing to let things just happen; I can tend to thrive when life around me is in constant motion and swirling and then suddenly, I just want to turn away and be at the beach, alone; I don't want to be in charge of things, I really prefer to help and often times, I am resistant to being lead and told what to do; my heart desires to be a kind, grace extending person and too many times I fail miserably; as secure as I feel, I feel I am always walking a very thin line with it and as much as I believe in forgiveness and being washed of our sins, I can be very unforgiving and hard on people.
{via simplycasual on tumblr}
All of this can make my head spin if I let it, instead I set it aside and I pray and ask Him for what I need, because I know He knows.  I pray for peace – always peace.  I pray because I know He hears and He is faithful.
{via simplycasual on tumblr}

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Catching Up {what May looked and felt like}

Instead of 31 days, May felt like 62!   Time and time again, I tell myself to be sure to write and post it on my blog – because I will be glad in a few years that I did!  All the little moments that are captured when you keep a blog (or journal/scrapbook in some way) are priceless!

May is always a busy month mostly because it’s the home stretch to the end of the school year, but throw in Mother's Day, Travis' birthday, a wedding, a surprise party for a very dear friend and it becomes really busy!  And there were the bad headaches I had for almost 3 weeks! I slept a lot after they were finally gone because I wasn't sleeping when my head was hurting! I am finally feeling so much better!

Here's what I was able to capture in May:
Teenagers hanging out together!  And late night swimming

Travis' 16th birthday – was on Mother's Day this year!  We celebrated with family, then a week later he went to Disneyland with friends! He is one of the best 16 year olds I know!  Such a blessing to me!


Strawberries from Tapia Bros!  And other yummy fruit!

Catching up with Corrine at Abby's wedding.  I have known Corrine since she was a baby! I took care of her often! Her parents were so good to me when I was in high school!  It was so good to see her and hug her!
Prom!  OMG – Sydney and Jenny before prom.  Travis went with friends, so I didn't get a picture of him before. 

 Because our school is so small, the prom is open for family and friends to attend.  I loved being there and watching my kids have so much fun!  Travis, is a dancing machine! 

With my dear friend Joleen!  So thankful for her!

Surprise birthday party for Paula!!
She and her husband have a boat in Marina Del Rey – so we all arrived and set up and got ready and then she arrived with her daughter for what she thought was going to be a quite family day!  She was genuinely surprised – which was the best part! I have known Paula since I was about 4.  I use to sit on her lap at church and I can remember thinking how beautiful she was!  I babysat her girls (Brittany and Chelsea) and both of her girls babysat Travis and Sydney! And Sydney plans on babysitting their kids, just as soon as they have them!

 Memorial day BBQ at Rayen

I have taken lots of deep breaths lately, cried hard, laughed, rested, worked hard, laughed and cried some more. I have been processing layers and layers of emotions that are coming to the surface.  Its been strange to feel and go through some things I thought were already done and dealt with and things I didn't realize were there!  I have so much peace about ending my marriage and making a life as a single mom of two teenagers.  I have some much love and support, it overwhelms me!  My natural family and our church family are amazing.  And still I struggle at times.  I can let myself get overwhelmed and stress over the future.  I am working on ways to ease this – I need a lot of grace.  And time at the beach.
I do know and remind myself daily that I am blessed and loved. I rest in the arms of His mercy.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Lately {Taking Stock}



I don't know why I don't see or feel it sooner – its always after I go through something that I realize it – that writing helps me feel better, whether I post it on my blog or not. It had been so long since I wrote in my journal and its been just over 3 weeks since I have posted anything here. I could say I have been busy and I could say I just haven't been able to string the words together to make my feelings make sense (and to a point both are true). The two weeks before we moved and the time since have just been so full and I have been so tired. All last week and the start of this one, I have been fighting off bad headaches – migraine headaches actually and its left me exhausted, with little wherewithal to do more than what I absolutely have to. I am breathing deep, resting and taking care of myself. I am so loving my little house. I am big time loving my two teenagers – living life with them is such a blessing!

So, getting inspiration from Sweet Casey on her post, I thought I would do the same as a way of documenting where and how I am right now!
Making: time to relax and be still
Cooking: not very much lately – easy things mostly, like southwest chicken salad or pesto pasta with shrimp; strawberry shortcake and chocolate chip waffles
Drinking: lots of water and blueberry lemonade with sparkling water and some extra lemon squeezed in
Reading: a few things - Bring God's Kingdom to Earth; The Gifts of Imperfection; Bittersweet and Daring Greatly
Wanting: to shop for more things for my little house and go to the beach
Looking: so forward to summer and going to the beach
Playing: music at night while I am making dinner
Wishing: for less traffic on my drive to work and then home
Enjoying: the cool evening breeze through my bedroom window before the weather gets hot again
Liking: my two teenagers – a lot!
Wondering: if the kids and I will be able to go to Shiloh SOP this summer
Loving: having my own place!
Hoping: for a change in my finances
Marveling: at how truly, deeply and abundantly I am blessed and loved
Needing: a little break from the routine and a day at the beach.
Smelling: fresh cut-up fruit
Wearing: skirts and flip flops.
Following: my heart with His leading
Noticing: how beautiful Sydney is – inside and out
Knowing: I have to trust Him and that He knows
Thinking: how much I love the beach
Feeling: a bit anxious and overwhelmed by all I need and want to do
Watching: Breaking Bad on Netflix - OMG
Opening: folders that have been packed away for years.
Giggling: with Travis and Sydney
Feeling: blessed and loved and humbled by His grace

Monday, April 14, 2014

I Found Her

After 3 weeks of sorting, packing, donating, cleaning, moving, unpacking, more sorting, more donating, arranging, more cleaning and decorating - we are finally all settled in our new place!!  And I love it!!  It was hard work and so worth it!  The kids are happy, I am happy and for the first time in a long time, my soul feels nourished everyday - this was so needed!  I am grateful beyond words to be living in this little haven.  The pool fountains run everyday from 5pm to 9pm and its amazing, I keep the front door open so I can hear them, its sounds like peace.  Its so quite and still in the mornings, I sit on my porch and drink coffee and read before I start my day.  It has taken almost 2 years to reclaim peace to my heart and to find myself again.  I am seeing more than glimpses of who I really am.  I see her in the mirror when I curl my hair.  I hear her when I talk to my kids and friends.  I feel her living and doing what God has laid on her heart.  I smile more, I have more patience and I have so much understanding.  I have walked through some yucky waters and it was so difficult coming out of it and seeing and feeling how awful it was.  I see how important it is to give ourselves permission to heal and take the time we need.  I think back to other circumstances and situations I went through and how I never fully healed from them - there wasn't understanding that I needed to.  I am fully seeing how vital it is to be loved well.  Its difficult to grow and be nourished if we aren't loved well, at all ages.  I am focusing on mothering this way - loving them well and really seeing what they need, finding the mother in me that they need me to be, that He made me to be. 


Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Getting Settled {home sweet home}

We are just about all settled into our new place!  I think I am about 70% done – still have several boxes to unpack, a few cabinets to organize, some decorating/picture hanging to do and I need to downsize my storage (hopefully to no storage unit at all).
I spent the last five days, packing, moving, unpacking, making trips to Target, breaking down boxes, filling up trash bags and so on!  My niece, Maggie, came on Friday and stayed until Sunday.  She was a huge help!  We got a lot moved from my mom's house before the kids got out of school and then my nephew, Randy, came with his truck and we were able to move the several pieces of furniture we had at my mom's house to our new house! 
Saturday was the BIG moving day!  I rented a 14" U-Haul and drove it myself – thank you very much! 
Except when it was FULL of our stuff from storage, our sweet friend Bob drove it for me!  Saturday was amazing – we were so blessed to have so much help!!  Bob, Mike, John, Steve, Mikey, Noah, Joelle and Travis and I all headed to storage at about 10:30 – we were back and unloaded by 12:15.  It went so quick!  Grateful for our church family who rallied around us to get the task done – and it was fun too!  We were moving so quickly that I just didn't take time to take pictures of the crew!

I spent the rest of Saturday wading through boxes and cleaning and organizing.  My friend Jodi went to the house while we were still at storage and cleaned the bathroom!  She helped me so much that day: set up the TV and DVD player, helped me move furniture around, broke down boxes as I unpacked them and would swoop in and take trash bags to the dumpster!  She even made my bed and I was so grateful at 11:30 when I fell into it!
The next morning I managed to get ready and go to church – my legs and feet were a bit achy but it was good to go and worship – I was honestly so full of thankfulness I wanted to give it back! 
I spent the rest of Sunday and Monday working away at all the little and big things that need to be done, including making a couple Goodwill donation runs!  It feels SO good to get rid of things and put the past truly in the past!  I am glad it has been 2 years since I have seen my "stuff." It really was easy to make decisions and not get emotional and/or sentimental.  There was no regret about the past or the hard decisions I made.  I am happy!  Setting up this little home is being SO wonderful – a deeper peace is being brought to my heart and so much joy too!

My sister, Laurie, is coming this weekend to help me fine tune and measure for curtains!!  And then I think I will be all done with the house set-up. Here are some of the rooms so far:


Thursday, March 27, 2014

Moving to our new place

This is my new front door!!!!  Its the sweetest place.  I will be surrounded by dear friends in our wonderful community!  The kids will be able to walk to school, through one yard and into the school parking lot.  I feel so blessed - we are so excited!!  I worked alot last weekend getting things cleaned and some of our stuff moved in from storage. 

This weekend will be the BIG move! Family and friends are helping and I am just going to take it all in. I don't want to be overwhelmed and in a hurry. I want things to go smooth and quickly as possible and I want to savor the delight and excitement we all have in this new change!

I am so excited to share my home - to set it up and truly be at peace.  I am thrilled my kids will see me at peace in our home.  I have some fun projects planned and changes I want to make to the furnishings I already have!  I eagerly await the conversations we will have around the dinner table, open and honest in ways we weren't free to before.  I am thankful beyond words for this - for all of it!  Blessed and loved - forever humbled by His grace!

This is my view from my little porch!